Sophisticated Twinkees

by Cabaret songs from the GAY 90's

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1.
Butch Mary 01:43
Ricky: WHEN DID YOU GET TO BE SO BUTCH, MARY? WHEN DID YOU START TO ACT SO STRAIGHT? THE LAST TIME THAT I SAW YOU IT WAS JUST THE OTHER DAY, AND I HAVE GOT TO SAY, YOU WERE LOOKIN' MIGHTY GAY! WHERE DID YOU GET THE HIGH TOP BOOTS, HELEN? WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO KID TONIGHT? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US WITH THAT STUBBLE ON YOUR CHEEK? THE WAY YOU HOLD YOUR CIGARETTE, THE WAY YOU TAKE A LEAK! WHEN DID YOU GET TO BE SO BUTCH, MARY? WHEN DID YOU START TO GUZZLE BUD? I USED TO SEE YOU DANCIN' WITH A LACY PAPER FAN, TONIGHT I DID A DOUBLE TAKE- I THOUGHT YOU WERE A MAN! WHERE DID YOU BUY YOUR BASEBALL CAP, HELEN? WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO SCRATCH YOUR NUTS? YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT COMPUTERS AND YOUR FAVORITE FOREIGN WAR. YOU MUST BE AFTER SOMETHING THAT YOU NEVER HAD BEFORE. INSTEAD OF SINGING THE SONGS FROM MAME, YOU'RE SINGING THE HOCKEY SCORE! WHAT'S A MODERN QUEEN TO DO? MARY, IS IT REALLY YOU? YOU'RE TELLING EVERYBODY THAT YOUR GIVEN NAME IS "SPIKE”. IT'S EVERY ONE'S PREROGATIVE TO DRESS THE WAY THEY LIKE, BUT LISTEN TO YOUR SISTER SUE, YOU LOOK MORE LIKE A DYKE! WHAT'S A MODERN QUEEN TO DO? MARY, IS IT REALLY- MARY, IS IT REALLY- MARY, IS IT REALLY YOU?
2.
Jane: SHE CAN HARDLY SING, SHE SURE CAN’T DANCE, HERE SHE IS- MY SISTER BLANCHE, IN OUR REUNITED SISTER ACT TONIGHT. Blanche: SHE’S QUITE A BITCH. AND VERY BOLD, JANE STILL THINKS SHE’S SIX YEARS OLD, IN OUR REUNITED SISTER ACT TONIGHT. Jane: MY HAIR WAS ALWAYS CURLIER. Blanche: YOUR HIPS WERE ALWAYS BURLIER. Jane: YOU FORGET WHAT I DID TO YOU EARLIER, SHUT UP BITCH AND SING! Blanche: A HOLLYWOOD LEGEND- Jane: A HOLLYWOOD TRAMP- Both: PUT US TOGETHER AND WE SPELL CAMP, IN OUR REUNITED SISTER ACT TONIGHT. Blanche: You know Bette, I thought Vivian Leigh was perfect in GONE WITH THE WIND. Jane: Is that so? Selznik promised that role to me—then gave it to Vivian Leigh! Tell me, how much preparation did you have to do for that role in STRAIGHT JACKET? Blanche: A helluva lot more than you had to do for your role in JEZEBEL! Jane: Is that a fact? Who taught you how to act Crawford, Madame Touseaud? Blanche: You know you’d be a lot prettier if you let those little bangs grow- Jane: And you’d be a lot more entertaining if you weren’t in that chair— But you ARE in that chair Blanche, you ARE!!!!! Blanche: A HOLLYWOOD LEGEND- Jane: A HOLLYWOOD TRAMP- Both: PUT US TOGETHER AND WE SPELL CAMP IN OUR REUNITED SISTER ACT TONIGHT! Jane: Say goodnight, Blanche. Blanche: (shouting through the duct tape.) Good night, Blanche. Both: IN OUR REUNITED SISTER ACT TONIGHT! Ata girl!
3.
Plain Wm: "How to be a Drag Queen for Profit and fun" Chapter one. ARE YOU PART OF GLIB AMERICANA? DO YOU WANT TO CALL YOURSELF IVANA? THIS BOOK CAN GET YOU STARTED ON THE ROAD TO FAME, HOW TO PUT YOUR ACT TOGETHER, HOW TO CHOOSE THE PERFECT NAME! OUR SIMPLE SYSTEM OF ADDITION, HELPS OVERCOME YOUR INHIBITION. RESULTS WILL SOON SURPRISE YOU, MAGIC WILL BE MADE. YOUR FAMILY WILL NOT RECOGNIZE YOU WHEN YOU START TO THROW THEM SHADE! DRAG QUEEN! YOU'LL BE A DRAG QUEEN! A WOMAN DRESSED IN FEMALE CAMOUFLAGE. DRAG QUEEN! YOU'LL BE A DRAG QUEEN! AND WORTHY OF A DRAG QUEEN'S ENTOURAGE. (TWO BOYS ENTER wearing safety vests and construction helmet. One carries a tape measure, the other, large make-up brushes and a small paint roller.) Plain Wm: Who are you? Boys: We come with the book! We're here to help. (They start to measure and remove her slippers. She is a bit frightened but excited.) Plain Wm: Oooh, No, Not there! Boys: IN NO TIME YOU'LL BE ON THE CIRCUIT, Plain Wm: (AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH!) Boys: PERFORMING NUMBERS LIKE A PRO! Plain Wm: (AHH AHH AHH AHH!) Boys: YOU'LL SIGN YOU'RE LITHOGRAPHS WITH SHINY SILVER INK, HOW THE CROWDS WILL CHEER YOUR ENTRANCE, WHEN YOU STEP ON STAGE TO LIP-SYNC! YOUR HAIR! YOUR LIPS! YOUR GLAMOUR LASHES! YOUR TECHNICOLOR LIDDED EYES! YOUR CLEAVAGE SO ABUNDANT, NOTHING TO CONCEAL, BECAUSE YOU KNOW FROM HEAD TO TOE THAT EVERYTHING'S COMPLETELY REAL! DRAG QUEEN! YOU'LL BE A DRAG QUEEN! Plain Wm: AMAZING ALL MY NEIGHBORS AND MY FRIENDS! DRAG QUEEN! I'LL BE A DRAG QUEEN! THE LATEST THING IN HETEROSEXUAL TRENDS. All Three: LIFE WILL BE PERFECT AS A DRAG QUEEN! YOU'LL WANT FOR NOTHING IN A GOWN! THE OTHER DRAGS WILL BE BACKSTAGE TO HELP UNZIP YOU, AFTER PERFECT STRANGERS CALL YOUR NAME AND COME ON STAGE TO TIP YOU! (She is proudly crowned with a big red velvet crown. She begins accepting dollar bills from the boys and members of the audience.) DRAG QUEEN! FINALLY A DRAG QUEEN Woman: MY CINDERELLA STORY HAS BEGUN! All 3: DRAG QUEEN! . WOMAN: I AM A DA- RAG QA- WEEN! A GLAMOROUS DRAG QUEEN FOR PROFIT AND- (She lip sync’s the last note as it should be.) Ricky: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
4.
Ricky I'VE MARCHED IN ALL THE PRIDE PARADES. I'VE RAISED MY VOICE IN SONG. IN THE INTERIM, I JOINED THE GYM TO KEEP MY BODY STRONG. I'VE DONE IT ALL. I'VE SEEN IT ALL. FORGIVE ME WHEN I SAY, I'M TIRED OF BEING GAY. I'VE PARTIED TIL THE COWS CAME HOME WITH GLITTER IN MY HAIR. I'VE MET THE BUNCH, FOR SUNDAY BRUNCH, IN JUST MY UNDER WARE. I'VE STRUCK A POSE. AND FILLED MY NOSE. I'VE DANCED THE NIGHT AWAY, NOW I'M TIRED OF BEIN’ GAY I'VE RIPPED MY ABS. I'VE RIPPED MY JEANS. I'VE ANSWERED ADS IN MAGAZINES. I'VE POSTERED WALLS AND FLYERED CARS. I'VE TWO-STEPPED IN THE COUNTRY BARS. I'VE SPENT MY RENT IN SHOPPING MALLS, I'VE GROWN A BEARD AND SHAVED MY BALLS! I'VE DONE ALL THAT A MAN CAN DO TO KEEP HIS SOCIAL STANDING, BUT OH, MY DEARS YOU TRENDY QUEERS ARE JUST SO DAMNED DEMANDING! I'VE HAD MY FUN, AND NOW I'M UNINSPIRED AND BLASÉ, AND SO TIRED OF BEIN’ GAY. I KNEW SOMEDAY WHEN ALL WAS SAID AND DONE I'D HAVE TO PAY, BUT WHO KNEW THAT I'D HAVE TO SEND THE CHECK TO DORIAN GREY! I'M STILL A HOMO DEEP INSIDE ALTHOUGH MY SPIRIT'S SAGGIN', I MUST CONFESS, I'M JUST A MESS, MY FAGGOT ASS IS DRAGGIN'. “CALGON, TAKE ME AWAY!” I'M TIRED OF BEING GAY. YOU KNOW I’M TIRED, SO TIRED, TIRED OF BEIN’ GAY.
5.
Femme Harry 01:43
Tracie: WHEN DID YOU GET TO BE SO FEMME, HARRY? WHEN DID YOU START TO PLUCK YOUR BROW? THE OTHER DAY AT PRACTICE YOU WERE HUGGIN' SECOND BASE, AND NOW I SEE YOU MUGGIN' WITH MASCARA ON YOUR FACE! WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO WALK IN HEELS , HARRY? WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO GLOSS THOSE LIPS? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TIMBERLANDS? THAT PARKA WITH THE HOOD? BEFORE YOU HAD YOUR COLORS DONE YOU USED TO LOOK SO GOOD! WHEN DID YOU GET TO BE SO FEMME, HARRY? WHATEVER MADE YOU PERM YOUR HAIR? YOUR FINGER NAILS ARE SCULPTED AND YOUR PANTIES MATCH YOUR BRA, ANY MINUTE YOU'LL BE SINGIN' QUE SERA,SERA! WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO SHAVE YOUR LEGS, HARRY? WHAT DO YOU HAVE INSIDE THAT PURSE? HOW MANY LITTLE ANIMALS DIED SO YOU COULD PAINT YOUR FACE? YOU USED TO CARRY A FORTY-FIVE AND NOW YOU CARRY MACE. WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO START YOUR KAWASAKI WITH SUCH GRACE? HARRY, SAY IT CAN'T BE TRUE. HARRY IS IT REALLY YOU? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HARRY THAT THE WOMEN ALL ADORE? YOUR MAKE-UP IS UNEVEN AND YOUR FEET LOOK REALLY SORE. DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU'LL FIND A LOVER LOOKING LIKE SUCH A WHORE? WHAT'S A MODERN DYKE TO DO? HARRY, IS IT REALLY, HARRY, IS IT REALLY, HARRY, IS IT REALLY YOU? *************************
6.
Barfly 01:15
Ricky: HE'S THE HAPPY HOUR HONEY YOU DISMISS WITH A WINK. HE NEVER SPENDS HIS MONEY, AND HE NURSES EVERY DRINK, HE'S THE BARFLY... BARFLY! SCARFIN' DOWN THE PRETZELS. WOOFIN' DOWN THE CHIPS. ALWAYS BUMMIN' CIGARETTES AND STEALIN' PEOPLE'S TIPS. HE'S THE BARFLY... BARFLY! HE WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR EVERYDAY WITHOUT FAIL. THE BARTENDER SEES HIM AND HANDS HIM HIS MAIL. HE PICKS OUT A BARSTOOL AND SPRAYS IT WITH GLUE, AND THAT'S WHERE YOU'LL FIND HIM TIL TEN AFTER TWO! HE'S THE BARFLY... BARFLY! EVERYONE ELSE IS A FAR CRY, GET A LIFE. GET A JOB. GET A CLUE. THERE WILL NEVER BE A BARFLY LIKE YOU- OOH OOH OOH, OOH OOH OOH, OHH OHH OHH, OHH, BARFLY! *********
7.
Son: EVERYBODY LISTEN TO THE STORY I TELL, MY DADDY MET MY MOMMY AND THEY GOT ALONG SWELL. THEY'RE ABOUT AS HAPPY AS A TRANSGENDERED COUPLE COULD BE. AND BEFORE THEIR RE-ASSIGNMENT, MY MOMMY AND MY DADDY HAD ME. (RICKY and TRACIE enter as his parents. He is dressed in female drag and she is dressed as a construction worker. They wrap Chuck in a big rainbow flag.) THEY HAD THE OPERATION NOW THEY'RE SWAPPING SHIRTS. MOMMY WEARS THE BOXER SHORTS AND DADDY WEARS SKIRTS. AND WHEN THE CHANGES, WE HANG OUT A COLORFUL FLAG, CAUSE NOW MY DADDY DATES A LESBIAN, AND MY MOMMY DATES A MAN DRESSED IN DRAG. THEY REALLY LOVE EACH OTHER, AND THEIR LOVERS LOVE EACH OTHER, AND SOON- Parents: OH, VERY SOON... Son: ALL OF US TOGETHER, WILL WALK A LOT OF MILES IN JUNE! Parents: A LOTTA MILES IN JUNE... Son: COME AND MEET MY FAMILY, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE FAM'LY CALHOUN! ANNOUNCER: Tune in next week when the family Calhoun attends the mother/son communion breakfast... All Three: YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE FAM'LY CALHOUN! *******
8.
Muff Divers 01:05
Ricky: THE ARMY'S BEEN UNSUCCESSFUL! Chuck: THE POLICE HAVE ALL FAILED! Ricky: THESE CRIMINALS NEED TO BE APPREHENDED, Chuck: CONVICTED AND JAILED! Both: THIS IS A JOB FOR THE- MUFF DIVERS! MUFF DIVERS! (TRACIE enters in scuba diving equipment, snorkel and a S.W.A.T. helmet.) WHEN LIFE IS IN THE BALANCE, WITHOUT A SECOND TO LOSE, THEY LEAP ON TO THE CRIME SCENE IN THEIR COMFORTABLE SHOES. THEY'RE THE MUFF DIVERS, MUFF DIVERS! WHO NEEDS THE MEN ON THE S.W.A.T. TEAM? WE'LL GET RESULTS WITH THE TWAT TEAM! MUFF DIVERS! MUFF DIVERS! FIGHTING FOR TRUTH, JUSTICE AND THE AMERICAN GAY. GO, MUFF DIVERS, GO!
9.
"Liza" aka Chuck: intro....Hit it! EVERYONE KNOWS, THAT EVERYTHING BLOWS! TELL ME WHAT DOESN’T SUCK ANYMORE? ONCE MY LIFE WAS A CABARET, NOW IT’S AN APPLEBEE’S WITH KAREOKE BUFFET! COULD EVERYONE PLEASE GET UP OFF YOUR KNEES, I’M TIRED OF LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER. IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP AND NAIL DOWN EVERYTHING GAY, BEFORE EVERYTHING GAY BLOWS AWAY! Liza & Boys: EVERYONE KNOWS THAT EVERYTHING BLOWS, TELL ME WHAT DOESN’T SUCK ANYMORE? Boys: ONCE HER LIFE WAS A CABARET, NOW IT’S AN APPLEBEE’S WITH KAREOKE BUFFET! Liza & Boys: SO COULD EVERYONE PLEASE GET UP OFF YOUR KNEES, I’M TIRED OF LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER. IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP AND NAIL DOWN EVERYTHING GAY BEFORE EVERYTHING GAY BLOWS AWAY! BEFORE EVERYTHING GAY BLOWS AWAY! BEFORE EVERYTHING GAY BLOWS AWAY! BEFORE EVERYTHING GAY BLOWS AWAY!
10.
Tracie: YOU WERE THE FAVORITE AT THE CLUB FOR SO MANY YEARS, YOU KNEW THEM ALL. LOT'S OF BEERS, AND A WHOLE LOTTA PINBALL, SHAKE IT UP! WITH YOUR ASS TO THE WORLD, AND YOUR BANGS IN YOUR EYES YOU COULD JUST TURN AROUND AND PICK YOUR PRIZE. ONE HAD A BEACH HOUSE AND ONE HAD A DUNGEON, AND ONE HAD A REALLY BIG HEART... OH, YO WERE A SIGHT TO BEHOLD, BEFORE YOU WERE TIRED AND OLD- SOPHISTICATED TWINKEE IT'S TRUE, THEY'RE ALL YOUNGER NOW THAN YOU. AMPHITHEATER INGENUE. YOU WENT FROM DENNIS THE MENACE TO DEATH IN VENICE IN ONLY A COUPLE OF YEARS, OR SO IT APPEARS. IN THE CORNER OF YOUR EYES I SEE JUST A HINT OF MAKE-UP. SOPHISTICATED TWINKEE IT'S TIME YOU WAKE UP! YOUR TEENS AND YOUR TWENTIES HAVE TAKEN THEIR TOLL, TWINKEE YOU'RE A THIRTY YEAR OLD TROLL. TWINKEE YOU'RE A THIRTY YEAR OLD TROLL.
11.
“Eartha” aka Chuck COLOGNE CLONE! COLOGNE CLONE! HE WORKED AT J.C. PENNY'S, HE USED TO WORK AT SEARS, HE'S HOLDING COURT AT MACY'S WITH A HUNDRED OTHER QUEERS. TAKE THE ELEVATOR UP TO ANY FRAGRANCE FLOOR, HE'LL SPRAY YOU WITH INFINITY OR SOMETHING FROM DIOR. HE'LL OFFER YOU A SAMPLE FROM THE PERRY ELLIS LINE, VERSACE, HERMES, AND EVEN CALVIN KLEIN. YOU ONLY WENT TO BROWSE AND NOW YOU SMELL JUST LIKE A WHORE, HE COVERS YOU WITH PASSION AS YOU FIGHT TO FIND THE DOOR! BEWARE THE COLOGNE CLONE CIRCLE HIS COUNTER WITH CARE BEWARE THE COLOGNE CLONE HE WORKS ON COMMISSION I SWEAR PLEASE DON'T HOLD ME HOSTAGE WITH THAT BOTTLE IN YOUR FIST, DON'T BACK ME IN THE CORNER, DON'T TRY AND SPRAY MY WRISTS. DO YOU THINK I SMELL THAT BAD? DO YOU THINK I'LL POUNCE, ON A BRONZER MADE BY POLO THAT RUNS NINETY BUCKS AN OUNCE? ALREADY I'M A SMORGASBORD OF SCENTS THAT MAKE ME GAG, I DON'T NEED YOUR UMBRELLA OR THE LEATHER SHAVING BAG. I DIDN'T MEAN TO LEAD YOU ON. I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW. I CAN'T AFFORD THE LAGERFELD, SO WILL YOU LET ME GO! BEWARE THE COLOGNE CLONE, CIRCLE HIS COUNTER WITH CARE. BEWARE THE COLOGNE CLONE, HE WORKS ON COMMISSION I SWEAR. BEWARE THE COLOGNE CLONE, SHOPPER YOU'D BETTER BEWARE, IF HE SEES YOU- YOU HAVEN'T A PRAYER! TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME ARA-MISS THING!
12.
All Three BOA... Tracie: IT MAKES ME LOOK SO CAMPY. IT MAKES ME FEEL SO TRAMPY. ZEIGFELD'S FAVORITE HO-A, BOA, BOA, BOA. BOA, BOA, BOA. BOA, BOA, BO-A! BOA... Chuck: IT MAKES ME FEEL SO FLASHY, AND JUST A LITTLE TRASHY. HOW THOSE FEATHERS BLOW-A, BOA, BOA, BOA. BOA, BOA, BOA. BOA, BOA, BO-A! BOA... All Three: PLUCKED. STRIPPED. DYED. DIPPED. BOA... Ricky: FOOFED AND FLUFFED AND SWIRLY, I FEEL LIKE JOANNE WORLEY, FROM THE (HEE -HEEEE) LAUGH-IN SHOW-A! BOA, BOA, BOA. BOA, BOA, BOA. BOA, BOA, BO-A! BOA... All Three: FROM HAWAII AND SAMOA, EAGLE, EGRET, CROW-A, THANK YOU MISTER NOAH, FOR MY BOA, BOA, BOA... PLUCKED. STRIPPED. DYED. DIPPED. BLOWN. CLIPPED. SPRAYED.TIPPED. BOA... BOA... (Instrumental dance break with the boas.) WE KNOW THE TURKEY'S ARE PISSED, BUT THE AUDIENCE CAN'T RESIST, ROW AFTER- ROW AFTER ROW AFTER ROW-A, THEY'RE CALLIN' OUT FOR MO-A. BOA! BOA! BOA! BOA, BOA, BOA, BOA, BOA, BO-A BOA... PLUCKED. STRIPPED. DYED. DIPPED. BLOWN. CLIPPED. SPRAYED. TIPPED. WRAPPED. SNIPPED, PACKED. SHIPPED. BOA... BOA... SHIMMER AND GLIMMER AND GLOW-A BOA... IT'S JUST NOT A CABARET SHOW-A WITHOUT THE- (Instrumental dance break with the boas.) PLUCKED, STRIPPED, DYED, DIPPED, BLOWN, CLIPPED, SPRAYED, TIPPED, WRAPPED, SNIPPED, PACKED, SHIPPED, BOA... BOA... BOA! **********************
13.
Tracie DON’T BELIEVE ALL YOU’VE BEEN TOLD, ALL THAT GLITTERS ISN’T GOLD. IT MAY BE HARSH, IT MAY BE COLD, BUT ALL THAT GLITTERS ISN’T GOLD. IT MIGHT LOOK LIKE QUITE A PRIZE. IT MAY TRY TO HYPNOTIZE. A FAIRY TALE WRAPPED IN A FALSE ILLUSION, ENDING WITH THE SAME CONCLUSION. SAVE YOURSELF FROM GRIEF UNTOLD. SAVE FROM BEING BOUGHT AND SOLD. DON’T BE BAMBOOZLED OR CAJOLED, ALL THAT GLITTERS ISN’T GOLD. PRECIOUS METALS, SHINEY JEWELS, LIMOSINES AND SWIMMING POOLS. IT MAY ALL LOOK QUITE ALLURING, UNTIL IT’S NOT AND IT ALL GETS BORING. BENEATH THE SURFACE, YOU WILL BEHOLD, ALL THAT GLITTERS ISN’T GOLD. EVEN CASTLES HAVE THEIR MOLD, AND ALL THAT GLITTERS ISN’T GOLD BELIEVE ME. ALL THAT GLITTERS ISN’T - ALL THAT GLITTERS... ALL THAT GLITTERS ISN’T GOLD! **********************

about

Cabaret songs from the "Gay 90's". Originally produced as a fund raiser for the Philadelphia LBGT community center in 1993 under the title REGALIA, this musical comedy revue played for over ten years in Philadelphia and New York. In a world before you tube and cell phone cameras and Insta-twit this show played intimate cabaret settings that allowed us to laugh at ourselves and celebrate the unique camp aspect of 20th century gay life. Pageantry truly does beget pageantry.

Special Thanks: Jack Bloeser,Steven Capsuto, Lona Kozik, Thomas Pileggi, David Powell, Penquin Place, Jilline Ringle, Rob Soslow, Todd Waddington & Jack Woodhead.

credits

released December 11, 2016

Cast: Tracie Higgins, Richard Paul & Chuck Sweeney. Arrangements by Michael Ogborn. Recorded, mixed and mastered at Cambridge Sound Studios, Philadelphia, PA. November, 2010.
BLUE PARROT RECORDS

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Michael Ogborn New York, New York

Michael Ogborn is a composer/playwright currently living in New York City. He has had over 25 musicals produced to date. Please visit his website at www.michaelogborn.com for archival photos and show information. Thanks!

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