Plain Wm:
"How to be a Drag Queen for Profit and fun"
Chapter one.

ARE YOU PART OF GLIB AMERICANA?
DO YOU WANT TO CALL YOURSELF IVANA?
THIS BOOK CAN GET YOU STARTED
ON THE ROAD TO FAME,
HOW TO PUT YOUR ACT TOGETHER,
HOW TO CHOOSE THE PERFECT NAME!
OUR SIMPLE SYSTEM OF ADDITION,
HELPS OVERCOME YOUR INHIBITION.
RESULTS WILL SOON SURPRISE YOU,
MAGIC WILL BE MADE.
YOUR FAMILY WILL NOT
RECOGNIZE YOU
WHEN YOU START TO
THROW THEM SHADE!

DRAG QUEEN!
YOU'LL BE A DRAG QUEEN!
A WOMAN DRESSED IN FEMALE
CAMOUFLAGE.
DRAG QUEEN!
YOU'LL BE A DRAG QUEEN!
AND WORTHY OF A DRAG QUEEN'S
ENTOURAGE.

(TWO BOYS ENTER wearing safety vests and construction helmet. One carries a tape measure, the other, large make-up brushes and a small paint roller.)

Plain Wm:
Who are you?

Boys:
We come with the book! We're here to help.

(They start to measure and remove her slippers. She is a bit frightened but excited.)

Plain Wm:
Oooh, No, Not there!

Boys:
IN NO TIME YOU'LL BE ON THE CIRCUIT,

Plain Wm:
(AHH AHH AHH AHH AHH!)

Boys:
PERFORMING NUMBERS LIKE A PRO!

Plain Wm:
(AHH AHH AHH AHH!)

Boys:
YOU'LL SIGN YOU'RE LITHOGRAPHS
WITH SHINY SILVER INK,
HOW THE CROWDS
WILL CHEER YOUR ENTRANCE,
WHEN YOU STEP ON STAGE TO LIP-SYNC!

YOUR HAIR! YOUR LIPS!
YOUR GLAMOUR LASHES!
YOUR TECHNICOLOR LIDDED EYES!
YOUR CLEAVAGE SO ABUNDANT,
NOTHING TO CONCEAL,
BECAUSE YOU KNOW
FROM HEAD TO TOE
THAT EVERYTHING'S
COMPLETELY REAL!
DRAG QUEEN!
YOU'LL BE A DRAG QUEEN!

Plain Wm:
AMAZING ALL MY NEIGHBORS
AND MY FRIENDS!
DRAG QUEEN!
I'LL BE A DRAG QUEEN!
THE LATEST THING
IN HETEROSEXUAL TRENDS.

All Three:
LIFE WILL BE PERFECT AS A DRAG QUEEN!
YOU'LL WANT FOR NOTHING IN A GOWN!
THE OTHER DRAGS WILL BE BACKSTAGE
TO HELP UNZIP YOU,
AFTER PERFECT STRANGERS
CALL YOUR NAME
AND COME ON STAGE TO TIP YOU!

(She is proudly crowned with a big red velvet crown. She begins accepting dollar bills from the boys and members of the audience.)

DRAG QUEEN!
FINALLY A DRAG QUEEN

Woman:
MY CINDERELLA STORY HAS BEGUN!

All 3:
DRAG QUEEN!
.
WOMAN:
I AM A DA- RAG QA- WEEN!
A GLAMOROUS DRAG QUEEN
FOR PROFIT
AND-

(She lip sync’s the last note as it should be.)

Ricky:
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!