LADIES THIS YEAR WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT HAPPEN, WE’RE GONNA KEEP THE BALL IN PLAY! THIS YEAR WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT HAPPEN, THIS YEAR WE’RE GOING ALL THE WAY! AND NUTHIN’S GONNA STOP US, WE’RE ON THE MOVE. KENNEDY & HYDE-PIECRE NO ONE’S GONNA TOP US, LADIES WE GOT THE GROOVE, YEAH! KENNEDY War cry! LADIES (War cry soccer style chant) OH OH OH (AHH) OH OH OH.... HERE COME THE LADY APPALOOSAS! THE LADY APPALOOSAS. THE LADY APPALOOSAS. HERE COME THE LADY APPALOOSAS! THE LADY APPALOOSAS. THE LADY APPALOOSAS. YEAH! STROKANOV SISTERS THE APPALOOSAS IS HUMMIN’ LIKE OIL MACHINE. WHITNEY THE APPALOOSAS ARE COMIN’ LIKE NUTHIN’ YOU’VE EVER SEEN! YEAH! (ENTER COACH SHIPLEY BARNES. She is in her coaching outfit. The LADIES cheer and applaud the entrance.) SHIPLEY (Letting out an uncontrollable WOW!) Great game, ladies! Hyde-Pierce I don’t know where I’d be without you! HYDE-PIERCE Thanks. coach! It was all you. SHIPLEY We kept our eyes on the ball and worked as a WHAT? LADIES (loudly in unison) A unit! SHIPLEY So what do we want? LADIES The world cup title! SHIPLEY When do we want it? LADIES NOW!!! SHIPLEY What do we want? LADIES The world cup title! SHIPLEY When do we want it? LADIES NOW!!! (The lights dim on the girls as they go into slow motion action. A pin spot picks up COACH BARNES.) SHIPLEY You’re damn right! I WANT THIS TITLE, AND I MEAN A LOT! NOT FOR THESE GIRLS, BUT FOR ME! WINNING THIS WIDE WORLD FIELD HOCKEY TITLE, WILL SET MY POOR SOUL FREE. FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS I HAVE TRIED TO GO BACK, AND UNDO MY MOMENT OF SHAME. (SHAME!) WHEN I CAUSED THE NINETEEN SIXTY NINE TEAM TO LOSE THAT CHAMPIONSHIP GAME! BUT, NO! NO! NOT THIS YEAR! NO WAY! NOT HERE! HO HO, HEY HEY! THIS YEAR WE’RE GOIN’ ALL THE WAY! LADIES WE’RE GONNA SWING IT INTO ACTION WE’RE GONNA WIN THE SILVER CUP. WE’RE GONNA BE THE MAIN ATTRACTION THIS THIS TEAM IS GOIN’ UP. UP. UP! (War cry soccer style chant) OH OH OH (AHH) OH OH OH.... HEY, HEY, HEY, WE’RE GOING’ ALL THE WAY! HEY, HEY, HEY, WE’RE GOING’ ALL THE WAY! ******************

SHIPLEY STICKY VICKY, IT’S A CRYIN’ SHAME, I THOUGHT YOU UNDERSTOOD IT’S MORE THAN A GAME. JUST HOW SELFISH CAN ONE PLAYER BE? DID YOU ONCE CONSIDER HOW THIS ALL AFFECTS ME? YOU LET DOWN THE SCHOOL. YOU'VE WEAKENED THE TEAM. BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY YOU PUMMELED MY DREAM. YOU MAY BE IN TRACTION NOW, BUT THE VICTIM HERE IS ME, IT’S EVERYTHING I COULD HAVE BEEN, AND STILL MAY NEVER BE- VICARIOUSLY, I’M BROKEN IN A MILLION PIECES. VICARIOUSLY, WITH EVERY BREATH MY PAIN INCREASES. ALTHOUGH I’M BARELY ALIVE, SOMEHOW I’LL SURVIVE, HANGING PRECARIOUSLY... (SHIPLEY takes a deep drag on her cigarette.) HANGING PRECARIOUSLY... VICARIOUSLY, I’LL FULFILL MY ONE AMBITION. VICARIOUSLY, I’M STILL A WOMAN ON A MISSION. AND I CAN FEEL AS SOON AS I HEAL, I’LL RISE AGAIN AND WIN. SO LET THE HEALING BEGIN, HEAVEN, HEAR MY PLEA, HEAL HER AND SET ME FREE, VICARIOUSLY. Thank you. And don’t forget to tip your orderlies.

SHIPLEY DO YOU REMEMBER GETTING READY FOR THE ANNUAL SPAGHETTI BENEFIT, IN 1969? YOU AND I , PUT IN CHARGE OF THE ANNUAL SPAGHETTI BENEFIT, AND WE BOTH HAD TOO MUCH WINE. WE STARTED FLIPPIN’ FROZEN MEATBALLS ‘CROSS THE FLOOR, WE WERE YOUNG AND WE WERE HUNGRY WHO COULD ASK FOR ANY MORE? SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL YES, I REMEMBER ACTING SILLY AT THE ANNUAL SPAGHETTI BENEFIT IN 1969. IT MAY HAVE BEEN THE ONLY ANNUAL SPAGHETTI BENEFIT, WHERE NO ONE CAME TO DINE. PEOPLE CAME TOGETHER TO SUPPORT A WINNING TEAM. A TEAM THAT WAS DESTINED TO LIVE THE FIELD HOCKEY DREAM. SHIPLEY THAT WAS THE YEAR WE DIDN’T WE HAD IT ALMOST ALL, WE COULDN’T NOT ALTHOUGH ALMOST ALL- THEN WE TOSSED IT! SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL THAT WAS THE YEAR, YOU TOOK THAT FATAL FALL. SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL & SHIPLEY WE NEARLY BUT HOW COULD WE NEVER BUT NOW HAD WE LOST IT. SHIPLEY WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE PLAYERS IN OUR PAST? ARE THEY SOMEWHERE ON A GOLF COURSE? ARE THEY SITTING BY THE POOL? WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE GALS WITH ALL THE GUTS? THE WOMEN WE PLAYED HOCKEY WITH AT SCHOOL. SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL WELL, LINDSEY FOUND A LAWYER, AND THEY’VE GOT A PLACE IN GREENWICH. BUCKY FOUND A LAWYER, AND THEY’VE GOT A PLACE IN GREENWICH. MUFFY’S GOT A LAWYER, AND THEY FOUND A LITTLE PLACE IN GREENWICH VILLAGE! SHIPLEY WITH EVERY SEASON PASSING BY, I WANT TO GIVE IT ONE MORE TRY. REDEEM MYSELF BEFORE I DIE. SISTER, HEAR MY DESPERATE CRY! THIS IS THE YEAR WE’LL MAKE IT TO WHERE WE CAN’T RECALL, SR GEORGE MICHAEL & SHIPLEY AND NOT IF WE COULD BUT THEN, WHAT IF WE WOULD FOREVER? THIS IS THE YEAR, WE’LL TRIUMPH AFTER ALL, AND WE’LL TAKE TO WHERE WE NEVER WERE THERE- TOGETHER. SHIPLEY Wouldn’t it give you a warm feeling to give another orphan girl the same chance you had? SR GEORGE MICHAEL Yes, it would. And I have the perfect candidate. SHIPLEY Bless you, Sister. SR GEORGE MICHAEL & SHIPLEY AND WE WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE ANNUAL SPAGHETTI BENEFIT, OF 1969! *******************

GONZALAS But Sister, the game is next semana. What if I let you down? SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL Me? You must do this for you. (sings) FIELD EVERY GOAL, MY GIRL, LIVE AND LET YOUR AIM BE TRUE, NOW THE CHOICE IS UP TO YOU. FIND IT IN YOUR SOUL, TO FIELD EVERY GOAL, MY GIRL, GIVE IT ALL AND GO FOR GOLD. WHO KNOWS WHAT THE FATES MAY HOLD? NEVER YIELD AND FIELD EVERY GOAL. EVERY SECOND. EVERY MINUTE. EVERY HOUR. FEEL YOUR STRENGTH AND FEEL THE POWER. (The door opens and SHIPLEY ENTERS) Maureen, meet your new Coach, Ms. Shipley Barnes-- SHIPLEY (hungrily) Hello, Maureen. GONZALAS Buenos tardes, Coach Barnes. SHIPLEY Bue-nos tar-days. SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL Coach Barnes will be your foster mother for the rest of the school year. SHIPLEY You’ll practice hard. Run hard and sweat hard, but the rewards will be great. Am I right, Sister? SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL (Looking at the cross on her rosary beads) No greater sacrifice has ever been made! SHIPLEY Well, I’ve got a practice in progress so we gotta roll. GONZALAS Goodbye! Adios! SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL Goodbye. And remember, GONzalas, you’re leaving here an orphan but you’ve got to come back a Harvard athlete! GONZALAS I’ll try! (SISTER BILLIE JEAN enters carrying a suitcase and a large field hockey bag. She places a Peruvian Bowler hat on her head complete with feathers and parrot. Her braids complete the image. MAUREEN waves goodbye to SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL who wipes away a tear. She leaves St. Annie’s and spins around a few times with SHIPLEY.The LADIES ENTERS and are going through a practice routine as they spin in.) SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL & SHIPLEY FIELD EVERY GOAL, MY GIRL, YOU CAN DEIGN TO WIN IT ALL KEEP YOUR EYES UPON THE BALL, NEVER LOSE CONTROL. AND FIELD EVERY GOAL, MY GIRL, GO AND SHOW’EM ALL YOU’VE GOT, ONLY YOU CAN TAKE THAT SHOT, NEVER YIELD, AND FIELD EVERY GOAL. GONZALAS (in counterpoint) I WILL DO YOU PROUD! FOR ALL THE ORPHANS OF THE WORLD! DES LOS NINOS DE LA MUNDO, A MI VIDA! MI CORAZON! MI AMOR, MI CORAZON! WILL FIELD EVERY GOAL! SHIPLEY Ladies. I’d like you all to meet Maureen GonZALas. GONZALAS Hola. Buenos tardes, senoritas. STROKANOV I DIs is new goalie? HA! STROKANOV II More like Goalie-locks! SHIPLEY (blows the whistle.) Suit’er up. We’ll start with a 2 on 1 shot blocking drills. LADIES Coach! SHIPLEY GonZALas, show us what you’ve got! GONZALAS Just remember what Sr. George Michael told you she said to- (split scene with the nuns under the stained glass window. MAUREEN riffs on the chorus as she does her thing.) FIELD EVERY GOAL, MY GIRL, LIVE AND LET YOUR AIM BE TRUE, NOW THE CHOICE IS UP TO YOU. FIND IT IN YOUR SOUL. TO FIELD EVERY GOAL, MY GIRL, GIVE IT ALL AND GO FOR GOLD. WHO KNOWS WHAT THE FATES MAY HOLD? NEVER YIELD AND FIELD EVERY GOAL! LADIES (In counterpoint watch from afar as they go through the practice trying to get a ball into the net. MAUREEN IS GREAT! A true champion. She suits up in full goalie gear for a full ladder run.) CAN SHE DO IT? IS SHE READY? IS SHE BUILT TO LAST? IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET IT PAST HER NET? CAN SHE CUT IT? CAN SHE DO THE JOB? WATCH HER WEAVE! SEE HER BOB! IT’S STILL A LITTLE TRICKY, CAUSE WE ALL MISS VICKY, BUT AS LONG AS STICKY VICKY IS LAME, WE GOTTA FIGHT EVERY MINUTE, IF WE REALLY WANNA WIN IT, AND THE GIRL IN THE NETS GOT GAME! SHE’S A WINNER, AND ALREADY SHE CAN WEAVE SPELL. NO BEGINNER COULD EVER TEND A GOAL AS WELL. SEE HER BLOCK UP EVERY HOLE, SHE NEVER SEEMS TO LOSE CONTROL. IT’S A WHOLE NEW HORIZON, WITH OUR EYES ON THE PRIZE, AND THE FIRE IN THE PIT OF HER SOUL TO NEVER YIELD NEVER YIELD- GONZALAS & NUNS, SHIPLEY & CO. AND FIELD EVERY GOAL, MY GIRL LIVE AND LET YOUR AIM BE TRUE, NOW THE CHOICE IS UP TO YOU. FIND IT IN YOUR SOUL. FIND IT IN YOUR SOUL. TO FIELD EVERY GOAL, MY GIRL, GIVE IT ALL AND GO FOR GOLD. WHO KNOWS WHAT THE FATES MAY HOLD? NEVER YIELD, NEVER YIELD, NEVER YIELD AND FIELD EVERY GOAL! *************************

Kennedy Cox METAL TO METAL A CLOSET OF STEEL, CAN IT CONTAIN THE WAY THAT I FEEL? METAL TO METAL EVERYTHING’S SO UNREAL... I’M A BALL O CONFUSION CAUGHT OFF MY GAME, IT’S ALL AN ILLUSION? NOTHING’S THE SAME. METAL TO METAL WHAT DOES IT ALL CONCEAL? AND IT’S ALL BECAUSE YOU’RE- ONE LOCKER AWAY FROM ME, OH, SO CLOSE AND YET SO FAR. ONE LOCKER AWAY, IT’S LIKE REALLY TOO BIZARRE. ONE LOCKER AWAY FROM ME SO RIGHT NEXT TO WHERE YOU ARE, ONE LOCKER AWAY FROM ME, I’M LIKE A FIREFLY IN A JAR, WISHING UPON A STAR... MAYBE I’M DIFFERENT. WHAT IF IT’S TRUE? IT’S LIKE A SHIN GUARD HIT ME OUT OF THE BLUE. GYM BAG TO GYM BAG, WHAT DO I HAVE HIDE? I’M OPENING MY HEART TO A WHOLE NEW SENSATION THE FEELING WE CLICK. THE RIGHT COMBINATION... (The Strokanov Sisters ENTER sing the chorus lyric and KENNEDY does an obligato/riff over the lyric.) ONE LOCKER AWAY FROM ME, OH, SO CLOSE AND YET SO FAR. ONE LOCKER AWAY, IT’S LIKE REALLY TOO BIZARRE. ONE LOCKER AWAY FROM ME SO RIGHT NEXT TO WHERE YOU ARE, ONE LOCKER AWAY FROM ME, Kennedy Cox HOW LUCKY I WOULD BE, IF I COULD LOCK HER AWAY... WITH ME.

GONZALAS (sings) I’VE BEEN RUNNIN’ SO FAST I CAN’T KEEP TRACK OF THE MILES I HAVE RUN, CHASIN’ MY DREAMS IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. TRYING TO FIND MY OWN WAY BACK TO A PLACE I’VE NEVER BEEN, I GO TO EXTREMES, IN PURSUIT OF MY OWN PERFECTION. AND I KNOW THERE’S GOTTA BE SO MUCH MORE THAN WARMIN’ UP AND KEEPING SCORE, AND ONCE THAT FINAL GAME IS WON, I CAN RIP OFF THE GEAR AND FREELY RUN- WITHOUT A NET! WITHOUT A NET! WITHOUT A NET! DESTINY’S CALLIN’! WITHOUT A NET! WITHOUT A NET! WITHOUT A NET! NOTHIN’ TO KEEP ME FROM FALLIN’ WITHOUT A NET! WITHOUT A NET! I WILL BE FREE, VIVENDO MI VIDA PARA MI! GONZALAS Being a winner is tough. GAVIN Yeah. Because if a winner never quits, like when does that end? GONZALAS Exactly. GAVIN I’VE BEEN PLAYIN’ SO HARD FOR SO LONG NOW, IT’S A THRILL TO JUST STAND STILL, ETERNALLY FLAWED, TO NEVER NOT GO THE DISTANCE. FOREVER DEFINED BY WHAT WE DO ON THE BATTLE FIELD OF SKILL, I’M FIGHTING AGAINST THE FORCE OF MY OWN RESISTANCE. AND I’M PRAYIN’ THAT THESE GLORY DAYS, ARE ONLY JUST A PASSING PHASE, NO LONGER WILL I PLAY PRETEND, I CAN LOSE THE STICK AND FIND A FRIEND. GONZALAS & GAVIN LOSE THE STICK AND FIND A FRIEND! WITHOUT A NET! WITHOUT A NET! WITHOUT A NET! GAVIN LIFE WILL BE WAITING. GONZALAS & GAVIN WITHOUT A NET! WITHOUT A NET! WITHOUT A NET! GAVIN THAT’S WHAT I’M ANTICIPATING. GONZALAS & GAVIN WITHOUT A NET! WITHOUT A NET! WITHOUT A - I WILL BE FREE, FINALLY I’LL BE LIVIN’ LIFE FOR ME! (They get into his car and they start to drive fast.) GAVIN I’VE NEVER SAID THESE WORDS BEFORE, SO ANYONE COULD HEAR. GONZALAS I’VE NEVER HEARD THEM SPOKEN IN MY EAR. E-EAR… MAYBE THERE’S A FIGHTING CHANCE, OUT HERE ON MY OWN. GAVIN EDGING EVER CLOSER TO THE DANGER ZONE! GONZALAS & GAVIN DANGER ZONE! DANGER ZONE! DANGER ZONE! WITHOUT A NET! WITHOUT A NET! WITHOUT A NET! E-MAN-CI-PA-TION! WITHOUT A NET! WITHOUT A NET! NO LONGER SEEKING HYDRATION. WITHOUT A NET! WITHOUT A NET! I WILL BE FREE, FINALLY I’LL BE LIVIN’ LIFE FOR ME! (PARA MI!) FOR ME! (PARA MI!) FOR ME/ PARA MI! *********

MISTRESS THATCHER If this new goalie is an illegal ringer, Barnes will be fired from coaching! Then I, Puggie Thatcher will become Varsity coach and the ultimate revenge will be mine. HA! HA! HA! HA!! FROM THE SIDELINES I WOULD PACE, WITH A SILVER TRAY OF ORANGE WEDGES. FROM THE SIDELINES I WOULD CHASE, AN ERRANT BALL THROUGH THE THORNY HEDGES. ON THE OUTSKIRTS I WOULD PRAY, FOR THE AFTERNOON THAT I WOULD PLAY... PUGGIE WAS WATCHING YOU! PUGGIE WAS WATCHING YOU! PUGGIE WAS WATCHING YOU! FROM THE SIDELINES. FROM THE SIDELINES OUT OF PLACE, I WAS NEVER MEANT TO BE SELECTED. FROM THE SIDELINES I WOULD LACE AN ORANGE WEDGE GOING UNSUSPECTED. AT SEVENTEEN, YOU CAN’T BLAME ME, IF BARNES COULDN’T HOLD HER LSD... ANY AND ALL OF YOUR DEVIOUS TRICKS SHALL NEVER BE MATCH TO MINE. BARNES, YOU’LL CHOKE IN EIGHTY SIX, LIKE YOU CHOKED IN SIXTY NINE. AND I CAN SEE IT ALL. I WILL MAKE THAT CALL. AS I WATCH YOU FALL, FROM THE SIDELINES. PUGGIE IS WATCHING YOU! PUGGIE IS WATCHING YOU! PUGGIE IS WATCHING YOU! FROM THE SIDELINES. Cherrios, Coach Barnes. ********************

Gavin PLAYING IN THE DIRT, IN A LITTLE PLEATED SKIRT. WHACKING AT A RUBBER BALL, NOT AFRAID TO TRIP AND FALL, BABY, DON’T GET HURT. BRUISES ON YOUR SHIN, STITCHES IN YOUR CHIN. TO YOUR ALMA MATER TRUE GOIN’ FOR THE W, GIRLS, I HOPE YOU WIN. YOU’VE GOT CONTROL OF ME, YOU’VE TAKEN HOLD OF ME, ALL THE TIME YOU’RE INCONCEIVABLY, ABSOLUTELY, UNBELIEVABLY- FIELD HOCKET HOT! INSURMOUNTABLY, FIELD HOCKEY HOT! UNDENIABLY, FIELD HOCKEY HOT! I’LL BE YOUR FORGET ME NOT. GIRL, YOU’RE SO FIELD HOCKEY HOT. (The girls enter in costume style uniforms. Not at all the real thing. They appear in the style of the Robert Palmer models that and sing along in his music videos.) Ladies NOT AFRAID OF MUD. NOT AFRAID OF BLOOD. Gavin PUSHING HARD TO BEAT THE CLOCK. BENDING DOWN TO FIX YOUR SOCK. LET ME BE YOUR STUD! YOU DON’T USE A TRACE OF MAKE UP ON YOUR FACE. STILL YOU GOT THAT IVORY GLOW THE OTHER GIRLS WILL NEVER KNOW, I LONG FOR YOUR EMBRACE. AND GIRL YOU HAVEN’T GOT A CLUE, EXACTLY WHAT IT IS YOU DO TO BOYS LIKE ME. . GIRL, I THINK IT’S SO UNFAIR, YOU NEVER SEEM TO STOP AND STARE AT BOYS LIKE ME... COULD IT BE YOU JUST DON’T CARE FOR BOYS LIKE ME. BOYS LIKE ME. Mogo & Ladies (MOGO and the LADIES ENTER into his fantasy they join in with the underlined words and phrases.) I’M HERE TO TELL YOU THERE’S NO GREATER THRILL, THAN THE TWO ON ONE SHOT BLOCKING DRILL. MY IDEA OF HAVING SOME FUN, IS AN ALL OUT FULL GEAR LADDER RUN. NOW, IT’S NOT FOR THE TIMID. AND IT’S NOT FOR THE MEEK. IT’S A GAME THAT DEMANDS YOU HAVE A WARRIOR STREAK. BECAUSE YOU DON’T STOP UNTIL YOU FINALLY SCORE, BUT THEN THE GAME IS OVER YOU STILL WANT MORE. LIVING IN A WORLD OF DIVE AND STUFF, I CAN’T STOP TIL I GET ENOUGH! Gavin NUTHIN’ BETTER THAN A FIELD FULL OF CHICKS, WIELDING THOSE WEIRD LOOKING FIELD HOCKEY STICKS. Gavin & Ladies FIELD HOCKET HOT! WHITNEY I’m coming for you! GAVIN & LADIES FIELD HOCKEY HOT! BANKS I wanna get you drunk. GAVIN & LADIES FIELD HOCKEY HOT! VAN DYKE AAAALLLOOOOOWWWOOOOOOO (Cat purr) PRRRRRRRRRRR! GAVIN & LADIES FIELD HOCKEY HOT! KENNEDY I’m crazy for you! GAVIN & LADIES FIELD HOCKEY HOT! STROKANOV I & II (Russian trash talk each followed by punctuated YA!) ALL FIELD HOCKEY HOT! INSURMOUNTABLY, FIELD HOCKEY HOT! UNDENIABLY, FIELD HOCKEY HOT! ***********************************

SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL I HAVE A SECRET THAT I CANNOT DISCLOSE. A LITTLE SECRET THAT NOBODY’S KNOWS. IT’S LIKE A DOLL THAT ONLY LIKES TO PLAY WITH ME. WHAT CAN MY SECRET BE? KEEP GUESSIN’! IT’S NOT FOR NOTHING THAT I BURY THE TRUTH. HOW DO YOU RECONCILE THE FOLLY OF YOUTH? UNDER A SHADOW THAT HAS COVERED ME WITH LIES, MY SECRET NEVER DIES. NO CONFESSIN’! CHOIR SISTER HAS A SECRET, SISTER HAS A SECRET, SISTER HAS A SECRET THAT SHE DON’T WANT TO TELL. SHE’S GONNA KEEP IT, HER NASTY LITTLE SECRET, SISTER HAS A SECRET, AND SHE’S GOING TO HELL! (She enters the confessional where the priest is waiting. NURSE HEDGE’S in disguise.) CHOIR MAKE YOUR CONFESSION. SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL Bless me Father for I have sinned... CHOIR RELEASE YOUR INDISCRETION. FATHER KNIGHT RIDER What do you have to confess, my daughter? CHOIR THERE’S NO EXEMPTION. SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL I’ve done something horribly terrible----- CHOIR IF YOU WANT TO FIND REDEMPTION. SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL Father, I gave birth to a girl who is now in danger of having sexual relations with her own brother. FATHER KNIGHT RIDER Why don’t you notify your child? SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL She doesn’t know I’m her mother. FATHER KNIGHT RIDER Then why don’t you notify the father. SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL He was an anonymous sperm donor. FATHER KNIGHT RIDER And the mother of the boy? SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL She can’t know either. Oh, Father,what do I do? FATHER KNIGHT RIDER Go directly to Saint Annie’s and can speak with the wonderful Sister George Michael. SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL But Father, this IS Sister George Michael! FATHER KNIGHT RIDER Then Sister, return to the source of your strongest faith, cause Sister George Michael, ya gotta have faitha, faitha, faith! Say five yada yadas and if it’s not too late, I’d like to put twenty clams on Applebee! NURSE HEDGES & CHOIR SISTER HAS A SECRET, SISTER HAS A SECRET, SISTER HAS A SECRET THAT SHE DON’T WANNA TELL. SHE SAYS SHE’S GONNA KEEP IT, HER NASTY LITTLE SECRET, SISTER HAS A SECRET AND SHE’S GOING TO HELL! NURSE HEDGES (into a spy like recording device.) Headquarters,This is Detective Hedges reporting on the Strokanov case. I just received some new information that could blow this entire thing wide open! More later. Hedges out. SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL WE ALL HAVE A SECRET THAT WE DON’T WANNA SHARE. NURSE HEDGES WE LIKE TO TELL OURSELVES IN TIME THAT IT’S NOT REALLY THERE. SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL BUT NOW AND THEN IT LIKES TO SNEAK OUT IN THE NIGHT, SISTER & HEDGES YOU THINK IT’S OUTA SIGHT, WILL YOU (I) EVER LEARN YOUR LESSON! CHOIR SISTER HAS A SECRET, SISTER HAS A SECRET, SISTER HAS A SECRET THAT SHE DON’T WANNA TELL. SHE’S GOTTA SECRET, HER NASTY LITTLE SECRET, SISTER HAS A SECRET AND SHE’S GOING TO HELL! SISTER HAS A SECRET AND SHE’S GOING TO HELL! *************************

HYDE-PIERCE YOU KNOW THE GAME. YOU KNOW THE RULES. YOU’VE GOT THE GOODS. YOU OWN THE TOOLS. YOU’VE GOT THE HEART. YOU’VE GOT THE SKILL. YOU FEEL THE HEAT. YOU KNOW THE DRILL. ALL YOUR ROADS HAVE LEAD TO THIS, IT’S NOT THE TIME FOR HIT AND MISS! FEEL YOUR FEET ON SOLID GROUND, SEND YOUR SPIRIT GLORY BOUND! STICK TO IT! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO QUIT. STICK TO IT! NOW IS WHEN YOU RECOMMIT. THE GOLDEN KEY TO SURE SUCCESS, IS PURE OLD SCHOOL, STICK-TO-I-TIVE-NESS. SO WHAT IF IN THE PAST YOU BLEW IT, STICK TO IT! HYDE-PIERCE Ladies and gentlemen, MISTER ELTON JOHN! (The morphine has completely kicked in and the rally concert for SHIPLEY begins.Stadium Applause. ELTON JOHN carries at a tiny baby grand piano in his “Mozart period”. BACK UP SINGERS ENTER.) Back-up singers RASHAD-A PHYILICIA NO GUMBA WANNA LEASHA- RASHAD-A PHYLICIA NO GUMBA WANNA LEASHA- RASHAD-A PHYLICIA NO GUMBA WANNA LEASHA- ELTON JOHN Thank you, Victoria! Thank you! I am here to celebrate the most brilliant field hockey coach since Constance Mary Katherine Applebee! Girlfriend’s in a bad way right now and it’s up to us to get her into tippy top shape. Shipley! SHIPLEY 
Yes? ELTON JOHN Don’t go through life giving up Any. More. Goals. ELTON JOHN IN EVERY COACH THERE IS A DRIVE, WITH EVERY GAME YOU FEEL ALIVE. SO DON’T BE WEAK! GO BE STRONG! TAKE CENTER FIELD, WHERE YOU BELONG. BORN TO PLAY THE RUBBER BALL, LIKE A TINY DANCER STANDIN’ TALL. COME ON, SHIPLEY SHINE YOUR LIGHT, I’M HERE TO SAVE YOUR LIFE TONIGHT! (HE’S HERE TO SAVE YOUR LIFE TONIGHT!) STICK TO IT! LIKE A CANDLE STUCK IN A CANDLE STICK. STICK TO IT! LIKE A FAN STILL FLICKIN’ A DYIN’ BIC. LIKE A SUGAR BEAR HUMPIN’ A HORNY BACKED TOAD, OR A HONKY CAT WIZZIN’ ON A YELLOW BRICK ROAD. SHIPLEY, YOU’LL PULL THROUGH IT, STICK TO IT. WHEN YOU’RE PRIDE IS COMIN’ UNDER ATTACK, THAT’S WHEN YOU TELL’EM THAT THE BITCH IS BACK! (THE BITCH IS BACK!) STICK TO IT! TAKE THE FIELD WITH NO REGRETS. STICK TO IT! IMAGINE BENNIE WITHOUT THE JETS? LIKE A PINBALL WIZARD WITH AN AFRICAN TAN, OR THE SUN GOIN’ DOWN ON A CROCODILE ROCKET MAN! SHIPLEY, YOU’LL PULL THROUGH IT SHIPLEY, YOU’LL PULL THROUGH IT! SHIPLEY, YOU CAN DO IT, STICK TO IT! ************************

LADIES HERE COME THE LADIES, THE WOMEN OF THE EIGHTIES. AND WE ARE HAVIN’ OUR SAY. WE STAND UNITED, IT’S BEEN DECIDED. AND WE AIN’T GOIN’ AWAY! WE’VE BEEN WAITIN’ A LONG TIME, AND NOW WE’RE UP IN YOUR FACE. YOU KNOW THERE’S NEVER A WRONG TIME, TO CLAIM YOUR RIGHTFUL PLACE. TO THE PINNACLE! TO THE MAXIMUM! WHERE NOTHING CAN BREAK OUR STRIDE. ON THE PRECIPICE, OF A MIRACLE! ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GREAT DIVIDE. IN THE PANTHEON! ON THE MOUNTAIN TOP! WHERE THE MIGHTY GUARD THEIR PRIDE. THAT’S WHERE WE WILL BE, MAKING HER-STORY! KENNEDY War cry! LADIES OH OH OH (AHH) OH OH OH.... CARILLO Aaaaaaaand the center pass. The Fur Trappers have the ball and its La Pierre to Kozlovski--Kozlovski to Lemieux- off the stick of Lemieux to Mackenzie- who takes a shot aaaaaaaaannnnndd SAVE BY Gonzalas! Now it’s Cox to Van Dyke- Saint Venison steals the ball and shoots it over to LaPierre. Cox takes it back sends to Banks who is blocked by Lemieux. Morgan now has the ball-- she’s about to shoot and Kozlovski moves in for the block OHHHHH fake out Morgan! Van Dyke takes control and it’s SHOT SAVE by Broduer! SHIPLEY IF YOU BELIEVE IT THEY SAY YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT. IT SOUNDS SO EASY TO DO. THATCHER Hello, Sports Authority... SHIPLEY THE SIMPLE FACT IS, TO PUT IT INTO PRACTICE, YOU GIVE THE DEVIL HIS DUE . THATCHER I’d like to report a ringer! SHIPLEY WHATEVER FORCES PROPEL ME, THE BATTLE RAGES ON, THATCHER Game in progress! SHIPLEY THE BOARD MAY VOTE TO EXPELL ME, BUT ONLY AFTER I’VE GONE! LADIES TO THE PINNACLE! MAXIMUM! WHERE NOTHING CAN BREAK OUR STRIDE. ON THE PRECIPICE OF A MIRACLE, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GREAT DIVIDE. SHIPLEY ON THE MANTLE PIECE! IN THE TROPHY CASE! SHIPLEY & LADIES WHERE THE MIGHTY KEEP THEIR PRIDE. THAT’S WHERE WE WILL BE, MAKING HER-STORY! (war cry Through heavy breathing.) OH OH OH... OH OH OH... OH OH OH... SHIPLEY No. No no, no! Hey!!Maureen, look at me, honey. You freakin‘ got this and you know it!! Use your right angles! And keep low. The rest of you, take control. Open up a shooting lane. Let the Strokanovs‘ give us a little taste of the old country. LADIES COACH! SHIPLEY Leave everything you’ve got all on the field. We are in it to win it! Go! Go! GO!!! LADIES COACH! CARILLO Aaaaaaaaaaannd it’s the center pass. The Appaloosas have the ball --they’re opening up a shooting lane and it’s Van Dyke in control. Katia Strokanov blocks Lindross, Ivana B. Strokanov takes out Lemieux. Katia Strokanov body checks Kozlovski - Ivana B. Stokanov punishing Saint Venison- Katia Strokanov overpowers Lapierre. Ladies and Gentlemen, talk about about your sister act! With five seconds left-Van Dyke still in control-- the field is wide open and it’s shot aaaaand SAVE BY BRODUER!!! And that ends the first half of this World Championship game! But wait! There seems to be some commotion towards the stadium holding cells. We haven’t seen this court room opened since “the great bra burning of 1971”. I’ll keep you abreast of all breaking news.

BALIFF EVERYBODY RISE! FOR THE HONORABLE JUDGE WANDA “BOOTSY” WOODS! WOODS & CO. JUDGE WANDA “BOOTSY” WOODS! BALIFF I SAID EVERYBODY RISE! FOR THE HONORABLE JUDGE WANDA “BOOTSY” WOODS! WOODS & CO. JUDGE WANDA “BOOTSY” WOODS! JUDGE WOODS That’s right. I am the honorable Wanda “Bootsy” Woods. So I’m sitting in the stands enjoying the game like everybody else when I hear there’s possible use of an illegal orphaned athlete. Tell me this isn’t true! For as we proceed, we need focus and reflect alright- WHEN THE MORNING SUN IS SHINING BRIGHT, THROUGH THE DEEPEST HEART OF THE DARKEST NIGHT, EVERYTHING’S FOR THE CHILDREN. WE’RE DOIN’ IT FOR THE CHILDREN. GIVE THEM WINGS AND LET THEM FLY, GIVE THEM WORDS TO LIVE BY.... Okay, Oyez! Let’s hear the relative facts To render whether this player does or do not get the ax. THATCHER This goalie is the guilty one! An orphan purchased from that nun! JUDGE WOODS Is this true Coach Barnes? SHIPLEY Your Honor, IT STARTED BACK IN SIXTY NINE, I WAS YOUNG AND RUNNIN’ WILD. I DIDN’T WANT A HUSBAND BUT I DESPERATELY NEEDED A CHILD. A CHILD TO BE ALL THE THINGS THAT I WASN’T. SHOW ME A PARENT WHO DOESN’T? (SHE’S EVERY PARENT) AT A REPRODUCTIVE CLINIC I WADED THROUGH THE POOL, AND CHOSE AN OLYMPIAN ATHLETE. GOING TO MEDICAL SCHOOL. JUDGE WOODS TEST TUBE BABY. Go on. SHIPLEY SO THIS ORPHAN GIRL WITH RAVEN HAIR, IS A FOSTER CHILD IN MY CARE, IT’S ONLY MERE COINCIDENCE, SHE HAPPENS TO PLAY SOME MEAN DEFENSE. IN THE WEEK THAT SHE’S BEEN HERE WITH ME SHE’S CLOSER TO ME THAN FAMILY. THE DAUGHTER THAT I NEVER HAD, INSTEAD OF THE BOY WITHOUT A DAD. Gavin, knows this already. SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL Your Honor, may I interrupt? JUDGE WOODS Is it relative to the case? SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL Oh, it’s relative, your honor. MOTHER OF MARTINI NOW, THE TRUTH BE TOLD AT LAST, BENEATH MY HABIT I’M A TWISTED SISTER WITH A PAST! JUDGE WOODS Ain’t we all!- SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL Since I couldn’t have Shipley child I did the next best thing. I TOOK IT UPON MY SELF ONE DAY, THE ACT OF PROCREATION, I WENT TO SHIPLEY’S DONER TO RECEIVE HIS NEXT DONATION. SHIPLEY Oh, no, you didn’t! SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL Oh, yes I did. GONZALAS So my sister’s my mother! Is this really true? GAVIN We’re sister and brother? GONZALAS I’m not from Peru? SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL It’s true. Tell me you didn’t do it. GONZALAS Do what? That’s gross! NURSE HEDGES (ENTERS with a file envelope.) If it pleases the court, I am registered nurse Hedges. May I approach, Your Honor? JUDGE WOODS Is it relative to the case? (She delivers it to the JUDGE who opens it and reads it as she listens.) NURSE HEDGES Oh, it’s relative! I MAY BE TRAUMA NURSE BY DAY BUT THAT’S ONLY HALF OF WHAT I DO. UNDER COVER IN THE MOONLIGHT IT’S A DIFFERENT I.C.U. (I SEE YOU!) I’M A HIGHLY EFFECTIVE, PRIVATE DETECTIVE, I’LL FIND YOU WHAT YOUR LOOKING FOR. I’M YOUR CIRCUMSPECTIVE, PRIVATE DETECTIVE, FROM THE OFFICES “BOI d’OR”. ALL (“BOI d’OR”?) It means gold dust of the road. REUNITING CHILDREN CONCEIVED BY FOREIGN ATHLETES, TOO DRUNK TO EVER GET EACH OTHERS NAMES. THESE CHILDREN OF THE VAST ETERNAL FLAMES, THE GOLDEN DUST OF PAST OLYMPIC GAMES. . Applebee Academy is where my case begins. Reunited a father with the beautiful Strokanov twins. Here is the proof, your honor. JUDGE WOODS DNA tests positively prove these children have the same father. Furthermore, he is in the court today. NURSE HEDGES Doc Benson, do you remember a shot putter from Chernobyl named Svetlana Minkeva? DOCTOR BENSON Sweaty Mink? She was my muse. NURSE HEDGES The two of you conceived the night before she won the gold. Doctor, meet your beautiful daughters. DOCTOR BENSON YOWZA! YOWZA! YOWZA! Nostrovia! STROKANOVS Papa!!! JUDGE WOODS DNA tests also prove you sired both Gavin Barnes AND Maureen Gonzalas! DOCTOR BENSON Wow! I’m an all american international family man. SHIPLEY See Judge, everything’s on the up and up. THATCHER Objection! JUDGE WOODS IN THE BOOK OF RULES IT’S VERY CLEAR, TO PLAY THE SPORT YOU WAIT -YOU WAY-WAY-WAY WA-WA-WA-WA-WA WAIT A YEAR OR ELSE YOU ARE A RINGER, AND GIRL, YOU’RE ONE HUM DINGER, OF A RINGER! SHIPLEY BUT SHE’S MY BABY’S DADDY’S BABY FROM ANOTHER MOTHER SO SHE’S MY STEP BABY DADDY’S DAUGHTER! THATCHER She’s a ringer! SR. G.M/ BENSON/SHIPLEY SHE’S HER BABY’S DADDY’S BABY FROM ANOTHER MOTHER HER STEP BABY DADDY’S DAUGHTER! THATCHER She’s a ringer! ALL HER BABY’S DADDY’S BABY FROM ANOTHER MOTHER HER MY STEP BABY DADDY’S DAUGHTER! THATCHER She’s a ringer! JUDGE WOODS Father! Mother! Sister! Brother! Now I’m a fan of the Brady Bunch but unless there’s a miracle in the next ten seconds, you will have to forfeit this game! SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL WAIT!! Wheel that bed over here. (SISTER GEORGE MICHAEL waves the face towel over Victoria.) OH, SACRED USED FACE TOWEL, TOSSED TO ME AFTER THE MATCH AGAINST CHRIS EVERETT ON SEPTEMBER 20TH, 1972, I BESEECH YOU TO MEND THIS BROKEN CHILD, OH, SACRED SHROUD OF- (They join in the chant one by one as it speeds up and creates a miracle. She starts to break free from her cast slowly rising like a Phoenix from the ashes.) MAR MAR TINA NAVA NAVRI- TI LO LO VA. MAR MAR TINA NAVA NAVRI- TI LO LO VA. MAR MAR TINA NAVA NAVRI- TI LO LO VA. MAR MAR TINA NAVA NAVRI- TI LO LO VA. MAR MAR TINA NAVA NAVRI- TI LO LO VA.. VIC-TOR-IA! VIC-TOR-IA! HYDE-PIERCE Put me in Coach, I’m ready to play. SHIPLEY That’s up to Judge Wanda “Bootsy” Woods. JUDGE WOODS WELL- PHYSICALLY BEARING WITNESS TO SOMETHING MIGHTY HOLY, THE MIRACULOUS RECOVERY OF YOUR REGULATION GOALIE. A TESTAMENT TO ALL THAT IS THE FORCE THAT LIES WITHIN YOU, THERE IS NO LOGICAL REASON WHY THIS GAME CANNOT CONTINUE! JUDGE WOODS & Co. IT’S A PLACE YOU’VE BEEN BUT YOU CAN’T GO BACK, IT DON’T MATTER IF YOUR WHITE OR BLACK, IT’S ALL ABOUT THE CHILDREN. EVERYBODY’S CHILDREN. TEACH THEM THINGS LIKE RIGHT FROM WRONG, LET THEM SING A NEW SONG! SINGIN‘ BOUT THE CHILDREN! IT’S ALL ABOUT THE CHILDREN! EVERYTHING FOR THE CHILDREN EVERYTHING FOR THE CHILDREN! DOCTOR BENSON’S CHILDREN. ALL THE CHILDREN OF THE WORLD. *********

CARILLO And we’re back! LADIES IN ANY WEATHER WE’RE KEEPIN’ IT TOGETHER. IT’S HOW WE DO WHAT WE DO. CARILLO The fox is in the box. And the second half of the game! LADIES THE DEFINITION OF A WOMAN’S INTUITION, AND WE ARE COMIN’ FOR YOU. CARILLO -the Appaloosas replacing their goalie with Victoria Hyde Pierce. LADIES THERE’S NO POINT IN FOOLIN’ AROUND, NOW THAT WE’RE SURE OF OUR WAY THERE. CARILLO -who until halftime was in a FULL BODY CAST- LADIES WE PLAN TO COVER SOME GROUND, TO REACH THE PEAK AND STAY THERE! CARILLO -on LIFE SUPPORT! LADIES FEEL THE PULSE, FEEL THE BURN, PAST THE POINT OF NO RETURN! CARILLO And it’s-- Center pass and the Fur Trappers have the ball Lemieux to Lindros over to Kozlovski-and it’s shot save- shot save- shot save by Victoria HYDE- FIERCE! With grinding intensity in an all out assault on the Applebee net, the Fur Trappers are riding the Appaloosas hard. The Trappers now setting up their famous “skinning the beaver” move. Rebound- trap- shot SAVE- Rebound- trap- shot SAVE -Rebound- trap- shot SAVE -Rebound- trap- shot SAVE-Rebound- trap- shot SAVE-Rebound- trap- shot SAVE BY HYDE- PIERCE who is standing on her head! Now The Appaloosas have control and it’s Strokanov to Cox- Cox to Strokanov- Strokanov- Cox- Cox Strokan- Strokan- Cox- Strokan- Strokan- Cox- Strokan- Strokan- Cox! What am I saying!? It’s Cox to Morgan to Van Dyke back to Cox who literally looks like a virgin being touched for the very first time! It’s Cox to Banks across toVan Dyke over to Morgan- who appears to be taking flight and with 10 seconds remaining - It’s Morgan to Van Dyke to Banks who shoots it back to Morgan and over to Van Dyke who sends it back to Banks who takes a SHOT---- SCORRRRRRRRRE! I DON’T BELIEVE IT! The APPALOOSAS TAKE THE GAME! ALL TO THE PINNACLE! TO THE MAXIMUM! WHERE NOTHING CAN BREAK OUR STRIDE. ON THE PRECIPICE, OF A MIRACLE! ON THE GREATER SIDE OF THE GREAT DIVIDE. SHIPLEY ON THE MANTLE PIECE! IN THE TROPHY CASE! LADIES WHERE THE MIGHTY KEEP THEIR PRIDE, THAT’S WHERE WE WILL BE, MAKING HER-STORY. THE APPALOOSAS! THE LADY APPALOOSAS. THE APPALOOSAS! THE LADY APPALOOSAS. THE APPALOOSAS- MAKING HER-STORY! *****

OOOOH_OOH OOH OOH OOH OHH- CARILLO And the 1986 Women’s Coach of the Year is awarded to Shipley Barnes! SHIPLEY I BELIEVED THAT YOU, ALL BELIEVED IN ME, AND THAT’S HOW IT OUGHTA BE. MEETING THE CHALLENGE EVERY DAY TAKIN’ OUR LICKS ALONG THE WAY, IF YOU ASK ME HOW I GOT HERE, IT WASN’T ON MY OWN, EVEN THOUGH I STAND UP HERE ALONE. WITHOUT YOU, I WOULD ONLY HAVE MADE IT HALF THE WAY, (HALF THE WAY) WITHOUT YOU, HELPING TO SEE ME THROUGH. TOGETHER WE MAKE A WINNING TEAM AND THE WINNER KNOWS IT’S TRUE, I WOULDN’T BE WHERE I AM NOW WITHOUT YOU. ENSEMBLE YOU COULD COUNT ON ME I COULD COUNT ON YOU, TO DO WHAT WE HAD TO DO WORKING TOGETHER PLAY BY PLAY, HAVING SOME KICKS ALONG THE WAY ASK ME HOW I’M FEELING ONCE THE BATTLE’S WON, AT THE END OF THE GAME ATHLETES WANNA HAVE FUN! (Enter JUGDE WOODS with PUGGIE in hand cuffs. defeated.) JUDGE WOODS Pugnatia Thatcher, You are guilty of sabotaging Applebee Academy! Your penalty is to serve sixty nine life terms doing hard labor in a maximum security facility! THATCHER I would have gotten away with - if it weren’t for Barnizie’s son! JUDGE WOODS Case closed. SHIPLEY Cheerios, Puggie! Thanks, G-g-gavin! GAVIN Anytime,M- MOM. (They awkwardly embrace) ENSEMBLE 
Ahhhhhhhwwwww! KENNEDY & HYDE PIERCE EVERY STEP OF THE WAY, WE LEAD EACH OTHER ON, SHIPLEY This is my son, Gavin! ENSEMBLE AND TOGETHER IS HOW WE’LL STAY, WHEN ALL OF THE OTHERS ARE HERE AND GONE. WITHOUT YOU, WE WOULD ONLY HAVE MADE IT HALF THE WAY, (HALF THE WAY) WITHOUT YOU, HELPING TO SEE ME THROUGH. TOGETHER WE’RE ON A WINNING TEAM AND THE WINNER KNOWS IT’S TRUE, I WOULDN’T BE WHERE I AM NOW--- SHIPLEY What a night! On behalf of the Applebee Academy, The Appaloosas, but mostly me, THANK YOU, AMERICA! ALL I WOULD'NT BE WHERE I AM NOW WITHOUT YOU!